15 replies to this topic

[Zetsubou]

Reupload! Intro and First Chapter. Please help me improve. *A* Comments and critique is much appreciated! Thanks!

 

 

"Mirore"

 

 

Introduction

"Hey, did you hear? A third-year got taken to the hospital soon after graduation because of a car accident. They say he didn't make it, but not because of the car accident..."

"Hey, did you hear? That third-year who died in the car accident, he used to be in the drama club. They say the last costume he wore went missing after his death..."

"Hey, did you hear? There's supposed to be a ghost somewhere in this school. They say some third-year who died after graduation, is still roaming the school at night. I heard people say stuff like 'I saw it. A slender figure with an eerie, silver mask walking through the corridor at sunset.' and stuff like that..."

"Hey... did you hear..?"



Chapter 1: Morning

...

"Never forget... the irreplacable source... of all emotion... of who you are... of what you are to others... Your memories... Never forget..."

The dark night sky swallowed my view. Stars twinkled and glittered. My hand stretches out, attempting to grasp this mysterious beauty. My body felt relaxed as the wind cradled me in its cold arms. Time felt slower as my sight grew dimmer, darker. I felt numb. "Where... am I?" Just as the darkness was about to consume me, I hear a sound...

"..u.."

It was... a voice...

"..uu.."

Whose voice..?

"..uu.."

And why...

"..uuke..!"

...are they screaming..?

"LUUUUKE!!!!"

Cold sweat trickled down my temples. My eyes, wide open. My heart, racing. My head, pounding. My hands, shaking. I couldn't breathe. "..a.." I slowly put my hand on my face. "...a dream...just a dream..."

The morning sun seeped through the curtains, bringing bright rays of light to the dimly lit room. My bedroom was neat and spacious, organized and empty. I sat on my bed, still trying to calm my beating heart. Why? Why am I so terrified? What did I find so horrible in that dream? And why do I remember every bit of it so well? It just felt, all too real... Could it be..? No, it can't. There's no way. But, what they told me... No, I'm thinking too much. It's already been years. There's just no way. Thoughts spun in my mind, denying, conflicting each other. I stand up and quickly walk towards the bathroom. "Haa.." I wash my face. The water gushed out the tap, spiraling down the drain. The sound filled my ears as I try to focus my eyes on the mirror. I felt exhausted. Fatigue made my limbs weak and my senses dull. Trying so hard to focus, I find myself staring at a black smudge on the mirror. I close the tap. Silence. I try rubbing the smudge off the mirror but I felt nothing but smooth glass... Then what...

I look behind me.

...

There was nothing there but the wall. The white, tiled wall.

I turn back to the mirror-

...

It's... not there anymore...

I shake my head. "I'm starting to see things.", I thought as I left the bathroom. Calmly, I close the door. Just then, *RRRRRNGGG* ...It startles me. A... ringing sound. It was the phone. The ringing echoed from one room to the next. My phone is on the desk in my room. I walked towards it as I dried my face with a towel... The ringing continues to

echo... I pick it up... and asnwer it.

"Hello?"

"Luke?"

("LUUUUKE!!!!")

I hear a voice... screaming.

"Luke?"

("LUUUUKE!!!!" "LUUUUKE!!!!")

Screaming... my name... again.

"Luke? Are you there?"

"Ah, yeah, I'm here."

Sarah's voice snaps me back to reality.

"Ah, good. I was just calling to check up on you."

"C'mon, Sarah...", I sighed, "We're not little kids anymore, you know?"

"Just don't be late again, okay?"

"Alright... I'll see you in school."

"Yeah... school..."

"Hm? Is something wrong?"

"Ah, n-no, it's nothing. Anyways, I gotta go. Bye!"

...that girl never changes.

...

I stare at the phone for a few seconds before putting it down... I notice something reflecting... on the phone's handle. I squint and focus my eyes... A white, silverish... thing. I couldn't make out what it was but... for some reason...

I felt... uneasy.

I don't know why but... I feel very, very uneasy. "Luke..." A low, hoarse voice whispers my name... I feel my heart stop... 'It' is right behind me. I don't know what 'It' was but... 'it' is right behind me... What should I do? What... should I do... What... I turn around-


Nothing.


Cold sweat and a racing heart. And... the very same feeling... I had this morning. Frozen with fear, I stare into empty nothingness... as the morning sun seeped through the curtains... bringing bright rays of light... to the dimly lit room.



- End of Chapter -

 

 

 

N/A | Chapter 2 ->

[ItariChan]

i wouldn't put so many ellipses (...) in the middle of the paragraphs. It makes gives the story a really long dragging feeling, and in my opinion makes it a little hard to read.

[Lavi]

Personally, I must say it kept my attention, but I have to agree with minibluberri on the fact that the format made it a bit difficult to read. Nice work though, keep it up (^u^)/

[Zetsubou]

Huh. Had pretty much the same comments with when I posted it up on old OZ. Like I said back then, it's pretty much for dramatic pauses but I agree that it does make it unreasonably lengthy. Thanks. *^*d

Edited by Beforethefall, 30 March 2013 - 02:17 PM.
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[Cheshire]

its good omg :0

i would say there are too much "..." though

[Zetsubou]

its good omg :0
i would say there are too much "..." though

 
Yeah, a lot of people have been saying it has too much "..." xD

Edited by Beforethefall, 30 March 2013 - 02:18 PM.
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[Ren]

you got some impressive story there...
 
are there more chapters? ^_^ :D 

Edited by Beforethefall, 30 March 2013 - 02:18 PM.
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[Zetsubou]

you got some impressive story there...

 
are there more chapters? ^_^ :D 

 
Thanks! And yeah, I posted all the way to Chapter 4 in the 'User Writings' and I'm currently working on Chapter 5. :D

Edited by Beforethefall, 30 March 2013 - 02:19 PM.
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[MidnightSprite]

It's very good and I'm definitely going to read the next chapter, but I agree with the people above: you use too many ellipses. Also, you keep switching from past to present tense, which made it quite difficult for me to read because I kept having to change the tense in my head. Other than that, awesome! 

[Zetsubou]

It's very good and I'm definitely going to read the next chapter, but I agree with the people above: you use too many ellipses. Also, you keep switching from past to present tense, which made it quite difficult for me to read because I kept having to change the tense in my head. Other than that, awesome! 

 
...past and present... Crap I never realized that. x.x Thank you! Hopefully I didn't mess them up too much on the chapters I've posted. I'm too lazy to reread and double check all of them. *3*

[PhoenyxRose77]

I must say, that I truly felt as if I were there. You did well with the present tense,

and the constant ellipses actually built the suspense up quite a bit.

I shivered a few times while reading. Well done, just be careful

not to slip into past tense accidently. ^.^b

Edited by Beforethefall, 30 March 2013 - 02:20 PM.
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[Caterina]

The picture actually made me shriek, well I guess I'm an easy person to scare but nonetheless, the story's amazing and I'm currently reading the next chapters. You just need to work on the past and present tense like what most people said, and I don't really mind the "..." but since it seem to disturb some people, then maybe you should work on that one too and the font looks nice to me. Looking forward for more chapters~ ヽ(*・ω・)ﾉ

Edited by Beforethefall, 30 March 2013 - 02:20 PM.
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[Zetsubou]

Awesome! 100+ views :D
 
Thanks for all the comments and critique everyone, it really helps. I'll go link the chapters together now just in case someone decides to read this as well. *u*

Edited by Beforethefall, 30 March 2013 - 02:21 PM.
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[Cheshire]

DAMN MIRORES FACE

[Zetsubou]

8)  <- Mirore's Face

Edited by Beforethefall, 30 March 2013 - 02:21 PM.
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[Cheshire]

NAH

more like ovo